Displaced in Paradise

Just a rambly (quite possibly long) update. It’s been a whole week since I moved westward, and I’m not sure the reality of the changes has hit me yet. My brain tends to put a negative spin on everything (a bad habit I’m trying to correct), and try as I might, I can’t shake off these thoughts:

  1. I’m technically homeless.
  2. I’m unemployed.
  3. The money… It slips through my fingers (insert Mulan reference here).
  4. I miss my cat.
  5. I’m no longer in NYC.

I’m a New Yorker in California… Which, I guess isn’t all that rare – people relocate all the time. I think I still might be on New York time, as I woke up at 7AM naturally. I went for a walk, and it feels kind of like a waking dream. There’s hummingbirds and bunnies just going about their business in the neighborhood. 

It really does feel surreal. Everything feels different – even my sweat feels different (it was explained to me that this is because there’s no humidity here. Bizarre).

I’m really glad I decided to see my old therapist before leaving everything I knew. She really helped me keep grounded before the move, and I try to remember her words and practice her advice every day I’m here. Here’s my list of positives:

  1. It’s so beautiful here. It’s so serene.
  2. I feel less like I’m being smothered by a sea of angry people.
  3. I have a support system here.
  4. I have a support system in NYC too.


I haven’t been able to do many doll things while here. I think it’s because if I’m not trying to get my life in order, I’m napping because I’m exhausted. Once I get settled (hopefully soon), I’ll be able to take my girls out for some photos.

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Slowly packing up my life

It’s weird, but I feel like my move is kind of the start of a new chapter in the story of my life (lol I couldn’t think of a better way to phrase it). I actually haven’t started packing, as I kind of dread the idea of sifting through my things and figuring out whether it’s coming with me or staying behind. 

The one decision that I made that will haunt me is the fact that I will be leaving my cat behind with family, until I have reached some form of stability in my new surroundings. I love my cat – she’s my baby. I know coming back for her after I’ve settled down is the responsible choice for me and for her, but it’s gutting to think I won’t see her for a couple of months at least. I also worry that she will be taken care of properly. I worry a lot. About everything. All the time. 

On a lighter note, I also feel sad leaving some of my dolls behind. (Of course, they will be shipped to me at a later time.) I’ve decided to bring my three custom girls with me, I guess for the fact that they are more fragile than my stock girls, and they are also a bit more fun to photograph, since they have such different expressions from one another. 

They’re also quite comforting to me… I think it’s because Finley was my first Blythe, who I’ve been through a lot of firsts with, and Marina and Prisma were gifts from very dear friends whom I connected with through the hobby (so they’re kind of like my good luck charms). 

I will miss having Reese and Elowyn around for the time being… Which is why I’m bringing these two girls to the next Blythe meet I’m attending this weekend!


I won’t be keeping her in this outfit for the meet, but I thought Reese looked quite cute in her blue and orange ensemble, and I wanted to share ^^.

Ah… Life is nerve-wracking and time just kind of flies by. As it was, I kind of felt like most of the past few years of my life were spent in continuous black and white accompanied by white noise and the sound of my own anxiety. When I think about the alternative of spending any more years like this – stagnant, living within the same 10 mile radius I was born, spending most of my time at a job that seems like a waste of time, just kind of hoping that things would change or get better without me having to do anything, I realize I’m making the best choice for me by making changes in my life. 

I hope to keep updating my blog regularly during my transition… But know that if I disappear for a bit, it will not be for long! 

Weekend rituals and life in general

Every weekend, I try to redress my dolls, that way I can figure out what items in the doll wardrobe I love, get a better sense of what things go together, and it’s quite relaxing to redress them while sipping a glass of wine and watching some YouTube videos. 

Prisma (left) and Finley (right) are this week’s best dressed girls ^^. Prisma is wearing a checkered shirt and tutu by MINIJIJO with a pink hair clip. Finley is wearing an adorable shirt made by my friend, a Missblythe2012 jumper skirt and Qmagicdoll shoes. I love how different these two girls look! They were both customized by different artists, and so their faces are quite different styles. I’m so in love with Prisma, but somewhere down the line, I may give her a licca body (her neck wobbles on her current body, so I’m not sure that I would want to do an arm transplant).

I’m slowly decluttering my things in order to move with less. I do foresee myself having to leave some Blythes and coming back for them later or having them mailed to me, but it’s so hard for me to choose who to bring.

Now that the move date is less than a month, my anxiety has kicked up to over level 9000. The less time between me and my move, the less I feel prepared, and the more real the changes feel. I’m scared… Because change is terrifying. But I see it as having to choose between staying in my current city and living with depression, or relocating and dealing with anxiety. Staying feels like giving up (just because sameness is easier), and I don’t want to give up. I want to someday be happy, and I don’t think that where I’m living right now will lead me there. 


Lol. Check out my Fitbit. This is my heart rate as I sit in my chair, panicking (for reference, my resting heart rate is 63 bpm). 

The one thing that’s changed for me though, is that I’m also feeling bouts of excitement mixed in with the periodic worry. I think I know that in the future, I will be glad that I’ve taken a risk in my life, after playing it safe for so long.

I hope everyone had a great weekend! 

Melancholia

Thus is my mood.

I worry a lot. I am a huge worrier, and always have been for as long as I can remember. The feeling is part of my everyday, and since I’m so inside my head, it’s hard for me to discern the nonsense from the serious… So everything becomes categorized as a Code-Red-Danger-Will-Robinson situation.

I’ve been in something of a slump lately when it comes to doing those serious business things – in my case, really thinking and planning out my near future and making preparations for them. I always try to take things one step at a time, since there’s no point in freaking out about step 10 when I haven’t even gotten to step 1.

So, in procrastinating during the three day weekend, I somehow stumbled onto a popular goth youtuber’s channel. I don’t necessarily identify with this subculture, but It’s Black Friday is fun and interesting to look at, and also seems really nice and has a generally positive message and attitude in her videos. I watched quite a few of her videos, but one in particular really resonated with me:

It wasn’t her situation in particular that I identify with, but her message and her outlook that I admire. Faced with tough choices, she ultimately did what’s right for her in striving for happiness, and that’s something I think is really brave.

Another thing I did to procrastinate was redress a couple of my dolls.


Rory (top) is wearing a shirt by MINIJIJO, pants by Missblythe2012, and stock shoes. I put her hair in a fish tail braid. Elowyn (bottom) is wearing a shirt by C’mon Dolly, skirt by Missblythe2012, and stock shoes (I actually switched Elowyn’s shoes out to pink converses and put these ankle boots on Rory). I like how Rory looks in red!

I have to get back to crafting for my dolls, but making human size things (socks…) has kind of taken over my life XD. Glad to be starting the work week on a Tuesday, and I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend or just weekend (depending on where you are in the world)!

On the subject of Anxiety

This topic is only vaguely related to my hobbies. I’ll try to make it come to a full circle in the end, but no promises! I’m in a kind of melancholy mood and I wanted to write about it.

I have anxiety, though I feel like everyone has anxiety to some degree. The level of my anxiety can range from simple everyday worries, to full blown panic, to a constant sense of unease or general wrongness. I have social anxiety as well, where I’ll type something or say something and then endlessly think about what I’ve said or typed when it’s too late to take it back… and then I think “Whhyyyy did I sayyyy that????” /cringe /derp /facepalm /g2gkthxbai4ever. So awkward. … times infinity. This is probably why a lot of my hobbies are solo hobbies (crocheting, reading, blogging, doll collecting and appreciating). When it comes to hobby-related stuff, I start to doubt my enjoyment of the activity and its value to me.

I’ve struggled with anxiety probably my whole life. I say “probably” because it’s really hard for me to say when it all started. Until a few years ago, I always assumed that the way I was feeling was normal, because how would I know otherwise? Since then, I’ve learned a few ways to deal with my thoughts (cognitive therapy really helped), and now that I’m able to recognize the feelings and thoughts for what they are, I also recognize that there are times I need to force myself to move despite my body telling me that it’s a good time to shut down (I have an awful relationship with sleep. When I want to sleep, it eludes me. When I want to stay awake, BOOM. Nap time.).

Understanding that a lot of what I’m anxious about doesn’t often make sense (or at least the degree of my anxiety doesn’t make sense), and willing myself to do anything isn’t always easy. However, for me, the first step towards getting away from my dark place is doing something I generally enjoy, even though at the time it might not seem worth it. Sometimes, a distraction (whether it’s petting my furbaby, or redressing my dolls) is enough to recalibrate the brain and put things into perspective, at least for a little while.

FullSizeRenderI’m still torn on what to name her.

Coloring and Crocheting – Activities for the anxious

I purchased a Jetoy Choo Choo coloring book last month at the anime convention I attended. After seeing another blogger’s coloring book as well as this Huffington Post article (which coincidentally just shows up on my facebook feed, even though it’s been published a year ago), I decided to crack open my own.
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And then I almost closed it, and shelved it again, LOOK AT ALL THE LINES AND THE SMALL SPACES :(. The book itself is super adorable! I love Jetoy Choo Choo cats, and even black and white, this coloring book is really pretty. I actually started coloring the first page and I’ve hardly made a dent in it because of how detailed the drawing is. Coloring is more absorbing than I thought it would be – I guess because it draws your focus to what colors you want to use next, if those colors work with each other, and staying in the lines. I really don’t want to mess up my pretty book, so I must have been concentrating doubly hard. I wasn’t really thinking of much else as I was shading in the page. For me, that’s the mark of a great activity for staving off anxiety. To be honest, I actually got tired from working on the page above, and I went to sleep right after I put everything away (which, is kind of a big deal to me because I usually have trouble falling asleep).

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I also finished crocheting this guy over the weekend! The pattern can be found on this website. I wanted to try making this amigurumi because I was interested in the construction of the bear. This bear doesn’t really have separate parts that need to be stitched together, like most amigurumi. I thought the pattern was relatively simple, though some of the instructions were a bit unclear (I kind of struggled with the ears, because when I made them as per the instructions, they looked a bit funky. In the end, I decided to make the ears as I would normally make bear ears if this were a hat or a different amigurumi bear), ^^ I didn’t have brown yarn, so mine is a polar bear.